Check Lights and Begging Bowls

"I set out one night when the tide was low.

There were signs in the sky, but I did not know

I'd be caught in the grip of the undertow."

from Undertow by Leonard Cohen

It can't be called a journey unless you have a way of knowing that you've moved off of the previous spot.  It's been just over two weeks since my car was impounded due to late registration.  Through a stroke of good fortune I was able to finance the car's release, but not without learning a few things along the way.

To think that I could have averted my problems by simply coughing up the $60 to renew my auto registration was somewhat simplistic.  As part of the registration, I had to get to the car smog checked.  Driving away from the towing yard, I noticed the engine check light.  It had been on for many months and I now realized that this had to be rectified to pass the smog certification.

That I had to spend $800 for those repairs alone means that I would have spent that same money 6 months ago...money I most certainly didn't have at the time.  It seems I was headed down this path in any case.

Bay Area woman trapped in airport for eight days–all for lack of a $60 baggage fee

Perversely, I wouldn't have discovered the source of a financial windfall were it not for all of this.  That money was just enough to cover all the costs accumulated with little left over.  For all that was spent, I could have gotten a new car.


"Ditched on a beach where the sea hates to go
with a child in my arms and a chill in my soul
and my heart the shape of a begging bowl."

"Beg" is to receiving as "alms" is to giving.

Asking for financial help is the most difficult thing.  Receiving charity only feels awkward and uncomfortable because I don't feel deserving.  But if the heart can transform into the shape of an alms bowl, I can be nourished by the good intentions of others rather than be starved by my own self-criticism.

Throughout this experience I have received the understanding and support of friends, acquaintances and strangers.  It was heartening to see how people were willing to give of themselves rather than to judge me as some sort of failure.  They see others in my shoes everyday.  It's the symptom of the new economic reality.  Perhaps in other ways they wear ill-fitting shoes too and need understanding themselves.

I remember a moment when it required all the courage I had just to give a dollar to a newly homeless man.  He looked scared and embarrassed to have to ask.  Me, looking quite the same because I did not know how to really care.  Now I understand that a gift from the heart can be freely offered and graciously accepted, that we all grow from these exchanges.

It is good to be traveling under my own power once again.

Caught in the Undertow

My car got towed this morning courtesy of the Carlsbad Police Department.  The reason: my auto registration is six months overdue and by law is susceptible to impound.  I suspect that I'm not alone in my circumstances.

Six months ago it would have only cost me $60 to register my car.  But six months ago I barely had money for food or gas.  Now without transportation, I'm unable cash the check that I received yesterday a recent job, unable video that book interview and cooking demonstration next week.  I don't know how I'll gather the funds to pay the multiple parking citations to reclaim my car and the late registration fees.  All for the lack of a paltry $60.

I could have asked friends for that registration fee, avoiding all of this.  But how many times have they already been asked by me or others they know.  With other acquaintances in more need than myself, how is it even possible for me to ask?

Too old and overqualified, I've been unemployed for the last 4 years, scrambling for odd jobs and relying on the generosity of friends to make ends meet.  When forced to scramble, unfortunate choices have to be made about which bills get paid and which ones don't.  Yes, there have been good days, but they have since become fewer.

The begged question asks, "Why doesn't he just get a job?"  I wait for an answer to another question: "Why are they unwilling to hire me?"  Even a dishwasher position requires 2 years experience.  Somehow I've joined ranks of the non-employed: unwanted and uncounted.  I've "re-invented myself" and have become an "entrepreneur." But in this economy, who would by my wares and services.  Being an entrepreneur today is much akin to being a subsistence farmer or indentured servant.  With car impounded, I'm not even that.

I look into my wallet, only to see four dollar bills.  My checking account is overdrawn.  The cat wants food.

Mine is but an eddy in the worldwide economic undertow that has consumed countless, otherwise unsuspecting people.  Those who are able and willing, but are stymied for a reasons beyond their control.  We've found ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time, thrashing to keep our heads above water with no lifeguard in sight.  I wonder how many cars like mine got towed today.

This happen to me on two previous occasions under the same circumstances, so I knew that the towing was possibility.  I accept by responsibility and the consequences of my choices.  The foolish lesson had been learned, but the personal financial difficulties simply could not prevent the additional teaching.

Still, looking at the plight of others around the world, I remain among the lucky ones.  What could $60 mean to them?

While ranting to the officer (it was time I get it off of my chest), he kept saying how sorry he was to hear it, how he was just following the law.  Lip service?  Perhaps.  The tow truck operator was just doing his job, wasn't he?  Making a living when others cannot.  It's all that can be done.  All part of the undertow, becoming more and more difficult to escape over time.

Who Are America's Jobless?

UPDATE (11.03.11)
The car is back in my possession and it's registration renewed...but not without some surprises.